Emotional

Last night was a pretty interesting night for me. I had got the kids to bed and was just trying to get Mehi to sleep when at around 9:00pm my brother called. I knew something was wrong because he doesn't call me late at night because he knows I am getting my kids to bed. He asked me what was going on in Koosharem. I told him nothing and then he said for me to look outside. So, I went to the scrapbook room and looked out the window and there was flashing lights at the ranch. I can't get into detail of what happened but I will tell you that it wasn't a great experience. I hung up with Justin and called the ranch and asked the lady who answers the phone if she was ok and she said yes. Then the tears came and I asked if Tevita was ok. She told me yes but to know that he wouldn't be home for quite a long time and he would tell me when he got home. So, I kept in touch with Justin (who was listening to the scanner) and talked with the ladies in the Primary Presidency with me. What I realized is that if there was a true emergency and I needed to evacuate I wouldn't really know where to begin. All I could think was here I am with my four sleeping children and my husband is at work and can't leave. Not a great feeling!!! I talked with Jen(my really good friend that I am so thankful for) and she said, "Well, now you know what your family home evening on Monday should be about!" It was a real eye opener for me and in a way I am glad that it happened. I will definitely start living my life in a more prepared way!
Today when I dropped Sipola off I saw Jen and she asked me to go to the cafe. It was good to get out of the house, even if for just a little bit. I got a little emotional at the cafe because we started to talk about pregnancy and it is kind of hard for me especially this month to know that if the babies would have made it they would be here now. Jen has a cute little 6 month old and Crystal's son just turned 1 today so being there with those little darlings made me a little sad. I held Jen's baby and Jen asked me if I was ok holding her. I turned out ok holding her and I know that Heavenly Father needed my boys more than I do, I just miss them. I find myself thinking about the "what ifs" and it brings tears to my eyes everytime. I thought I was all healed but I think my heart still hurts. Then I was talking to Braxton's scout leader and we got talking about the lack of willingness of our ward for callings. She said something that really makes sense. She said that we need the best of the best in the primary because that is where our children learn the most. I told her that I don't think people realize how much of an impact they have on our children. Just the other day Mehi was getting ready and she said, "Mommy, do you think Allison will like my hair? Do you think she will think it is pretty? Allison is the nursery leader and also Braxton's scout leader. It just made me think that even though we might not know it, people really do look at us and we are examples to others. Allison also pointed out that these are the people that are helping to teach our daughters how to be mothers(the achievement day leaders). What we do and what we say really does matter. I have felt an overwhelming sense of love that our Heavenly Father has for us in the last couple of days. I have found myself getting so emotional over the silliest little things but I have realized that we really are living this life in order to please the Lord. If we put Him first in everything we do, He will bless us. I hope that I will be able to be better at this and try harder to put other people first. I do miss my boys and I wish they would have made it. But I do love my 4 beautiful kids that I have here and I need to be the best I can for them. I hope this is making sense to people...and I hope that my friends and family know how much I love and appreciate each and everyone of you!