My thoughts

So I am having a very hard day today. I am so emotional and I have so many random thoughts running through my mind. This last week I have been so swollen. I called the doctor to make sure I was doing what I was supposed to do. The receptionist called me late on Wednesday night and told me the doctor needed to see me. So, I did something that I have never done before yesterday. I called my one friend to see if Sipola could go to her house so she didn't have to miss school. She told me that her daughter was going to somebody elses house and I should call her. I told my friend that I didn't think I could do that because I have never called this person before and I felt really stupid. My friend, Jen, told me, "let people help you, it will be ok." So I took her advice and called Carrie and she was so nice and said that yes, Sipola could go over to her house. I felt so weird calling somebody that I have never asked before and asking her if my daughter could go to her house. But I felt that it was important for Sipola to be in school and she had a blast! So, to Jen and Carrie I thank you so much. I hate asking for help but I sure did appreciate you. Anyways, I went to the doctor and he talked to me about my swelling. He asked if I wanted an ultrasound to see what the baby was and I told him No, I just wanted to hear the heart beat because I have been so nervous this week. (this is the week I lost all 3 of my boys). So I got on the table and guess what...he couldn't find the heart beat. All I could think was I can't do this again. So, he scheduled me for my ultrasound which was at 2:30pm. So I got in the car and called work. Tevita was on a mountain and could not be reached until about 3 so I was in this alone. I called my bestest friend Heather and she tried her hardest to comfort me. I didn't want to tell my dad because I didn't want him to worry and I tried calling my brother and sister-in-law but I couldn't reach them. So, I drove around Richfield crying and thinking, I am all alone! I called dad to see if Mehi could sit with him while I went in for some testing. He said yes so I dropped her off and went and got my labwork done. The doctor is checking my kidneys to make sure they are ok. Then I sat in the hospital parking lot for an hour and just waited to see the baby. I was feeling so sorry for myself and then I just prayed. I knew that whatever Heavenly Father wanted was what was going to be. I finally got in to the ultrasound room and I felt so yucky. Both techs just seemed sad, like they knew they weren't going to find a heart beat. So the tech started and she said, "there is the heartbeat, look it's so strong." Then the tears came and seemed like they wouldn't stop. They told me they think the baby is a boy but can't tell me 100% yet so I will see again on my next appointment. The anxiety that I went through was so hard yesterday. I told Tevita that I can never go to another appointment without him. Last night I just held on to each one of my kids and thanked Heavenly Father for them. When I hugged Lia I just thought, "I almost lost her" and just hugged her even harder. Today my feet and hands are so swollen. My husband won't let me get out of bed, unless it is to go pick up the kids. I ran into Jen's husband and he said, "please let us know if we can do anything." How thankful I am for kind friends that can look at me and know there is something wrong. How thankful I am for a friend who didn't even hesitate in telling me to bring Sipola over to her house. How thankful I am for a husband who watches me sleep at night and tells me the next morning that he never wants to loose me. How thankful I am for a friend that I call and tells me that she is praying for me all the time and knows my baby is going to be ok and that even though I am stressing she knows that her and this baby are friends and everything is going to be ok. How thankful I am to know that my baby's heart was beating so strong and so far is doing well. And how thankful I am to know that when I am feeling alone all I have to do is talk to my Heavenly Father and I know that I am not alone. I'm so sorry for the long post but I just need to get my feelings out.